The Master of Disguise
by SwirlyTwirlyDwirly
Summary: Akatsuki has finally met its match. Hidan is dead and the organization is desperately in need of a new recruit. How is this going to happen? Why, Deidara's forced to pose as a woman, of course, to see if he can get another kunoichi to join! UPDATED!


**The Master of Disguise**

**By: Madds**

Akatsuki has finally met its match. Hidan is dead and the organization is desperately in need of a new recruit. How is this going to happen? Why, Deidara's forced to pose as a woman, of course! Let the madness begin!

AkatsukixOC, DeidaraxOC

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Sasuke does and everyone knows it. OH YES...THE CHARACTERS ARE VERY MUCH OCC.

**Prologue**

_**Akatsuki Headquarters, Meeting Lounge, 5:21 PM:**_

"AKATSUKI---ASSEMBLE!" The Leader hollered, holding the conch from Anchorman over his mouth.

...Silence.

"EVIL HENCHMEN---ASSEMBLE!!!" he screamed again, an anger vein throbbing on his evil, black-encased forehead. Black because we all know that only the Leader may remain faceless and nameless, not because we are racist.

The noise echoed throughout the dark room. The giant hands with their little fingers quivered, the lights flickered on and off, and somebody belched.

Then everyone apparated in like the retarded people out of Harry Potter. Pheh. It's not like they actually care enough to show up to all the meetings that the Leader randomly calls up. They all have little apparations of themselves that show up in their place. Isn't that cute?

(Que theme music:)

_Soldier A, Soldier A!_

_The unsung hero of anime!_

_Hip hooray for Soldier A!_

_He only has one line but saves the day!_

"So, as you all know...I called this meeting for two very important reasons. One, we need to decide what we're going to do for dinner tonight..."

"Tacos!" screamed Blue.

"No, pizza!" hollered Deidara.

"Tacos!"

"Pizza!"

"TACOS!"

"PIZZA!"

"I SAID TACOS, DAMMIT!" the paper-wielder shrieked as a gust of wind came out of nowhere from behind her, and flung Deidara right off his finger and into the wall. Nobody else said anything. They knew better than to mess with a woman during PMS. Especially since she was on one of the 'middle' fingers.

_Today I threw a fit_

_Cause I didn't get the bit _

_Part I wanted to do_

"Alright, tacos it is...now on to the next order of business," the Leader continued, glancing around the room. "Hidan has left us, and..."

"What do you mean, _left _us?" Kazaku snapped. "He pissed us off, and we finally had enough and just made Zetsu _eat _him."

"He never properly digested, either," Zetsu whined as screams of "Let me the fuck outta here!" could be heard radiating from his stomach.

The Leader sweat-dropped. Oh yes...they were cruel. Let's take a good look at them now, shall we?

Deidara idled with his hair, snapping gum off the top of his mouth like he was some blonde bimbo cheerleader.

Sasori was busy waxing and prodding what appeared to be his grandfather in the usual puppet form...wait a second, didn't he _die_?

(Omnistrife: "My bad...")

Itachi blew on his purple colored nails as they dried, as it was peeling off and was needed to complete the dresscode.

Kisame sharpened his swordlike club. Salami was it? Fuck it, I'm not even gonna _try _and attempt to spell it.

Zetsu was yet again eating god knows what (though the Leader DID have a sneaking suspicision that it was the remains of the mailman. Or the Time Warner cable guy--$200 a month for television Pein's ass).

Tobi just stood there...being Tobi.

Blue glared daggers at everyone and tightened up her cloak, looking at all of them like they were rapists.

Orochimaru, somewhere in Sound, sneezed. Violently. Because it shook the room even more.

And the others were...the others were doing...well...whatever the hell they were doing. It's not like he ever saw them anyways.

Are there even any others? Well, Kabuto and Yura were spies right? But no one really cares about them.

Ahem. Moving on...

Yeah. They were all terribly _cruel_ all right.

"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Pein screamed, causing Itachi to chuck his bottle of nail polish into Kisame (because he's so _not _going blind) who in turn gave him a creepy fish stare. Not like it actually _mattered _since Itachi couldn't even SEE Kisame and his creepy fish stare, but it didn't hurt to glare at him anyway.

"Pay attention to what, un?" Deidara whined, looking up at Pein like he had a gigantic mole, and not a million piercings, on his nose or something. "Hidan was a total beeyoch from the get go, un!!!" The Leader eyed him as though he were retarded.

"For once I'll agree with him," Sasori piped up. "For ONCE."

"Bastard never shut up about his God...all I ever heard from him was that I was going to hell!" Kisame snarled.

"He deserved it," Kazaku muttered. "Did you know that he used FORTY DOLLAR TOWELS?! FORTY DOLLARS!"

"He was a PERVERTED son of a bitch!" Blue screamed, we shall call her Konan now that we know her name, not too far behind. "He tried to pay me for sex! Damned masochist!"

_Instead of Fanboy 1_

_I was Sex Offender 2_

A very angry, evil-looking aura surrounded Pein, and though everyone else noticed, Konan didn't.

"He did _what_?" Pein asked in a deadly whisper.

She crossed her arms. "You heard what he did, the bastard."

"Good thing he's already dead," Kisame muttered to Zetsu who nodded. And, of course, what conversation is had without Tobi's stupidity?

"Tobi is a good boy-"

"SHUT UP!" Pein roared, and since everyone assumed that he was basically a big blob of electricity, even though he's from the RAIN village and electricity does WHAT to water, he could be quite scary. "Since nobody here really cares about Hidan...it has come to my attention that we are going to need a new recruit."

"CRAP!"

"What was that?" The Leader questioned, dangerous.

"..."

"Uhm...we said 'cheese wrap'."

"..."

_He's called upon to grunt or yell or scream_

_Even if his mouth is never seen_

"STOP WITH THE DAMNED THEME MUSIC!!!!"

"...sorry, sir."

"Well...are we going to kidnap someone to do it?" Kisame asked hopefully. "I really want to shave something."

"Try shaving your armpits," snickered Konan. Kisame threw his club at her, but she dodged it.

"Ha! You fight with a giant tampon!!!" The Leader's palm found his forehead.

"Why you-"

The Leader finally had enough, and shook his head. "SHUT UP!" he hollered. "Are you all full-blown or just partially retarded?"

"Uh..." Tobi scratched his head. "I think I'm partial."

"..."

"I mean, Tobi-"

"SHUT UP! Kisame, you won't be doing anything of the sort. And Konan, don't pick on the brainless."

"Huh? Awww..." they both pouted, which made them look rather stupid. Itachi flinched slightly, but since he's an Uchiha, nobody saw it.

NOBODY EVER SEES IT! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!

"Instead I want to do something completely different." There was a brief moment of silence.

"...what, un?" Deidara asked stupidly.

"DON'T QUESTION ME, YOU INGRATE!" he screeched, causing the blonde to cover his ears in pain.

"Fine, fine! Please stop, un!" Deidara squealed.

"Leader-sama, don't hurt Deidara-san! Tobi will be a good boy!" Tobi said.

The Leader merely stared at him. "Be quiet."

"Okay. Tobi is a good boy!"

The Leader's palm yet again found his forehead. "I SAID BE QUIET!"

Tobi shook silently. "...kay."

The Leader smirked, lowering his voice. The screaming _always_ worked. "This time I want...another female."

There was another moment of silence.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" Konan screamed, and since she almost never shows emotion, this is a big, scary deal.

"Are you **out **of your mind?" Kisame wailed.

"..." Itachi just stood there, trying to find a happy place.

"Another girl? Ooh, now Tobi will be an extra GOOD boy," said Tobi enthusiastically. Okay, newsflash everyone...it really doesn't take a genuis to realize that Obito, I mean, Tobi is a closet perv, does it? I mean, hell, he was on KAKASHI'S genin team for chrissakes! With all of that damned Icha Icha Paradise crap. _Then _he was buried under a pile of rocks. And _then _he lost his eye.

This poor kid really needs to get laid.

"A girl? Oh fuck _yeah_, un!" Deidara screeched with a big, perverted grin on his face. "Better than psycho-bitch over here..."

"I HEARD THAT, BLONDIE!!!" Konan shrieked. The Leader's eyes began to glow red.

"Kiss my ass, un."

"You wish, dirtbag."

Sasori rolled his eyes at his partners antics. "Tch. How stupid."

"Yeah. We already have two lesbian's here," Kisame gestured to the blonde and blunette. No one took notice of Pein clenching his fists as Konan shook her head in disdain. "Kiss one girl and you're scarred for life..."

"I agree," Sasori continued, pointing to Deidara, "And if _she's _not a girl then-"

"I'm not a girl, you stupid piece of cardboard!"

"Go to hell."

"Go make a sandcastle so I can step on it, bitch un."

"Go make some playdough so I can shove it up your ass."

"Ooh, burn."

"Another woman in the Akatsuki will be a benefit," The Leader continued, looking cross as he gave the ninjas a 'death-glare'. Not that he was going to tell anyone the REAL reason he wanted another girl. It wasn't because he wanted everyone else to stop hitting on Konan. No...that wasn't it at ALL. Jealous pervert.

"What do you mean 'she'll be a benefit'?"

"Maybe he's saying Konan will finally get laid..." said Zetsu with a smirk.

"HEY!!!"

"POONTANG!" Kisame and Deidara both shouted at the same time, ignoring Zetsu.

(Q music)

"Da-da-da-da-da-da! POONTANG!"

"Poontang?! Don't be a fool," the Uchiha prodigy sighed. "There's not a single woman out there that would be interested in getting in YOUR pants."

Pein sighed. Of course ITACHI had to be a boring lump of coal with no sex drive! Why? Probably because he looked exactly like a girl, except he had a penis. Or maybe because his name meant weasel. Or maybe because he up and murdered his entire clan except for Sasuke. Or maybe because all the Uchihacest fanfics were warping his already closet-pervert mind.

"Shut up, pretty-boy!" Whitey, the good half of Zetsu's weird-face, whined. "Don't ruin their dreams!"

"Let's eat him!" Darkie, the bad half of Zetsu's weird-face, hissed.

"No! We can't do that!" Whitey hissed back. "He'll show us visions of Konan naked!"

"...Ewww." choursed half the room as Pein began to drool.

"HEY!!!"

The Leader sighed, wiping the spit off his lip. "Now everyone, it's either live or die. Besides, whoever it is will either have to be another missing nin, a stripper, or a criminal anyways, so I really don't see any harm in it."

"..."

"We need a little change around here for the good of all of us."

What the fuck? Was this boy-scouts? Er, I mean...mixed-gender scouts?

"That's all there is, then."

"Great..."

"Alright then. You five!" he pointed over to Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, Tobi, and Sasori. "I expect _you _five to find me the _perfect _girl. You leave tomorrow. Hurry up with it. Meeting ajourned." He disappeared in a flash. Oh, dear!!!

"Well...how are we going to do this? Know any girls?" Kisame asked, crossing his arms.

"...maybe Konan does."

"Are you sure they're not just guys? I mean, a lot of 'em are pretty flat-chested..."

Konan sighed, made a few hand signals, transformed her paper into pretty angel wings, and then she was gone. Probably off to read porn or something. But not before smacking Kisame in the face. Damn, did she have a punch!

"Sonofa-"

"How about you, Zet-"

"-not unless I've digested them."

"..."

Poof! Then he was gone, too.

Itachi sighed. Sasori groaned.

"Tobi is a good boy..."

"SHUT UP TOBI!!!!"

Deidara grinned. "This is going to be so MUCH FUN, un! We can have all sorts of fun with a GIRL that's not _gay _in the cave, yeah!"

Itachi grimanced. Oh yes. The CAVE.

"SHUT UP!" Sasori snapped, smacking the blonde upside the head. "YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A GIRL YOURSELF!"

"Deidara-san is a dyke!"

"At least he's not as big of a butch as Konan..." Thunder crackled. "I HEARD THAT, YOU FUCKING FISH!" the woman hollered not soon after.

"..."

Kisame trembled. "How does she DO that?"

"For once in our lives can we all cooperate...this needs to get done," Itachi inquired in that Uchiha way of his.

Unfortunately, it just made the situation worse.

"Oh, thanks, join HIS side!"

"PMS or what?"

"Shut the fuck up, un! I'm not a girl!"

"Tobi thinks Deidara is a very pretty girl..."

"I'M NOT A GIRL, DUMBASS!"

"Well, Tobi thinks you look like one!"

"Do not, un!"

Kisame snickered. "You're the only _pretty _male in the room! Well, besides Itachi-san, but-" Itachi's eyes flashed dangerously before he could finish. Kisame lay twitching on the floor as images of Maito Gai and Rock Lee jumping around thongs ran through his brain.

Something in Sasori's head seemed to snap at that. _'Wait a second. I've got it.'_

"Kisame's right. You're very pretty, Deidara-kun."

Itachi and Tobi both did something totally out of character. Well, it was more out of character for Itachi, but go with the flow and work with me here.

They screamed.

"Oh my fucking GAWD...DID YOU JUST CALL HIM DEIDARA-KUN?"

"DID YOU JUST CALL HIM _PRETTY_?"

"DID YOU JUST _AGREE _WITH ME?"

"OMG! OMG! OMG!"

"Why, of course I'm pretty, un," Deidara snapped, his hands on his hips."'Man-pretty' alright? DEAL WITH IT, UN!"

Sasori smirked. _'He even STANDS like one. We have comformation.' _

Deidara suddenly felt very uncomfortable with all the eyes on him. "Uhm...why are you all looking at me like that, un?"

"He's perfect."

"WHAT?" both Tobi and Itachi cried. "NOW YOU'RE CALLING HIM 'PERFECT'?"

Deidara only blinked.

"I think Sasori's finally snapped!"

"He's crazy!"

"He's NUTS!"

"Toy Loca!"

Sasori snickered evilly, ignoring the other's around him. "Well, now, Deidara-kun, since YOU ARE the _prettiest _one here and have no objections on it...we'll just turn _you _into a girl!"

"WHAT?"

"God knows that you look the part," he added as an afterthought.

"What are you talking about, un?!"

"Well, what do _you _think?" the redhead asked, looking at his fellow partners in crime. "We can pull it off. All we'd have to do is dress you up as one of them, and get you some GIRLFRIENDS that might like to join. It's not that hard. That blonde hair of yours would be quite the _attraction_..."

Two pairs of eyes took a whole new meaning on the word _predatory_. Well, Itachi's eyes and Tobi's lonely one-eyed hole.

Because you CAN NEVER SEE TOBI'S EYES! Isn't that WEIRD?

Though it probably has _nothing _to do with the fact that he's really Obito, who only has one eye.

Nope, nothing at all.

"You-you TRICKED me, un!" the blonde screamed in accusation. "I'm not 'pretty'! I won't do it! Get Konan to do it!"

"You're prettier than she is!"

"Not according to Leader-sama..."

"So?"

"Girls want to hang around with other gorgeous girls in order to get good-looking guys. It's how they operate."

Itachi shook his head. "Tell that the to fangirls..."

"But I'M a GUY!" Deidara wailed.

"Not for long..."

"Tobi thinks it's a good idea, Sasori-san," Tobi cheered, rubbing his hands together. "Deidara-danna will look sooo pretty!"

"Yes, he'll look very good," Itachi's voice followed suite.

"They'll be SURE to join us _now_, won't they, Deidara-CHAN?" And with that, they pounced.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

TBC:


End file.
